Every proud person is adept at disguising themselves. Although they desperately want to know about the other person's status, they refuse to lower their posture, fearing it will be noticed that they actually care about that person so much, thereby exposing their pride.
I never directly asked w for his score. Instead, I casually asked others in a low voice: "I heard w scored very high, what exactly was it?" In this way, I clearly understood w's scores in every subject and silently calculated the gap in our total scores. When the results of the first monthly exam were released, he was still the top student in the class, with a total score significantly higher than mine, who was in second place. I felt quite uncomfortable. What I fear most is seeing someone act indifferent and effortless, yet achieving better results than me. I had to work extremely hard to get second place, while he easily took first place, surrounded by comments calling him "impressive," "smart," or even a "genius." Then came the teacher's praise. Although I was on the list, I was always behind w. He was the key figure the head teacher praised, while I was only mentioned in passing. To be honest, at that time, the head teacher's preference for w was indeed greater than for me.
English has always been my weakest subject among all disciplines. When the English test papers were returned, my scores often failed to place me in the top five of the class. The English teacher was disappointed with me and frequently invited me to his office to discuss my performance, pointing out that as a top student in the class, my English was not good enough, and urging me to invest more time and effort. I remember one particular instance during an English listening practice class. After each listening session, the teacher would ask both me and w how many questions we got wrong. My score was always lower than w's. The English teacher got angry and lashed out. I still remember his words clearly today: "xx, do you know where the difference between you and w lies? Your performance in other subjects is comparable, yet your total score is always lower than his, and your grade ranking is also behind his. The difference between you two is English. If your English were better than his, you would be the top student in the class!" I knew the teacher was just complaining that I hadn't studied English well, and his intention was for my own good. However, hearing those words in front of the whole class, a fire seemed to ignite in my heart, and my face turned red up to the nape of my neck.
我不曾直接询问 w 的分数，只是借他人之口轻声打听：“听说 w 考得很高，具体是多少分呢？”就这样，我清楚地掌握了 w 每门课的得分，并默默计算着总分差距。第一次月考结果公布，他依然是班级第一，总分比我这个第二名高出不少。我心里很不好受，我最怕看到别人一副漫不经心、毫不费力的样子，结果却做得比我还好。我拼尽全力才拿到第二，而他却轻松斩获第一，身边充斥着“真厉害”、“聪明”甚至“天才”的评价。随后是老师的表扬，虽然我也在名单中，但始终排在 w 之后。他是班主任重点表扬的对象，而我不过是一语带过。说实话，那时班主任对 w 的偏爱确实胜过我。
英语始终是我所有科目中最薄弱的一项。英语试卷发下来时，我的分数往往排不进班级前五，英语老师对我很失望，也常找我谈话，指出作为班级尖子生，我的英语表现不尽如人意，要求我投入更多时间和精力。记得有一次英语课练习听力，每次结束后，老师都会询问我和 w 各错了几题。我每次的成绩都落后于 w，英语老师有些生气，当场发火。他说的话，我至今难忘：“xx，你知道你和 w 差在哪里吗？你们其他科目水平相当，可你的总分总比他低，年级排名也在他之后。你们俩的差距就在英语，要是你的英语比他好，你就是班级第一！”我知道，老师只是在抱怨我英语没学好，初衷也是为我好。但当着全班同学的面听到这番话，我心中仿佛燃起一团怒火，脸瞬间红到了脖子根。
